Welcome the new year. Welcome to the seasonal reset. Samhain.
This last year was something painful for sure. I am currently being sued in family court by my former partner and abuser. My heart has been doing some heavy labor these last few seasons, trying to integrate all the experiences, and find my best path forward. When I decided to stand up for myself, speak out about my experiences, and show up for the work that I believe my grandmother ancestors are calling on me to do, I knew that the work would challenge me in so many ways. It has not been easy and I have been grappling with my most intense bout with depression that I have ever experienced. The challenges have seemed insurmountable at times, giving me lots of practice in keeping grounded and balanced. Since my very first relationship at 15, I have endured, tolerated, and justified abuse and interpersonal violence by my male partners. I have been given numerous opportunities to do the work of showing up for myself, my grandmother ancestors, my daughter, my granddaughters, and other survivors, and I have turned away from that work every time. Distracting myself with various outlets including activism, community organizing, socializing, and new relationships, just to name a few. For the first time, I am surrendering to the work that keeps showing up in my life and that I believe I am being called to do. I am turning fully in to the pain, challenges, and strengths that come with being a survivor who has had enough and is willing to stand in the fire if need be, to move us closer to a place where survivors are supported and abusers are held accountable for the harm they cause. This work is quite painful at most times and the predictable sense of isolation and betrayal that have come as a result of doing this work persists most days. I take refuge in my early mornings and late night meditations, prayers, rituals, and ceremonies when I journey into the realm of my grandmother ancestors. Their prayers and blessing are the source of my strength. They tend my heart fires and promise to not let me fall. Learning how to trust their presence and guidance in my life is a daily practice that I am learning to embrace joyfully and fully. I also want to acknowledge that I have many friends here in this realm that have showed up for me as I've showed up for this work. I offer my deepest gratitude to the friends who have sent me messages of love, encouragement, or support. Friends who have felt my anger with me. Friends who have held my hand as I've grieved. Friends who remind me of my power and resiliency. Friends who have shared their stories with me, and offered me the gift of their insights. Friends who have inspired me to do this work through the doing of their own work. Friends who are finding ways to bring the effects of trauma into our awareness. Friends who have supported my work with financial contributions, or helped me connect with financial support. Friends who have reminded of my capacity for song, joy, and dance. Friends who have supported my well being through this in both big and small ways. Your care is more appreciated than you could possibly know. And most of all, I am thankful for Lorax, who chose me as their mother and guide in this life. And to my daughter who despite all the ways in which I feel I failed her, continues to remind me of her love for me and my greatness as a mother. I am greatly relieved to share that while I am at the very beginning of an undesired and unsolicited custody case my legal defense has been retained and supported by survivor centered agencies and organizations, community members, and friends. I want to acknowledge the Gateway Center, Legal Aid of Oregon, St. Andrews Legal Center, and The Amplification Series for showing up for me in the ways that they did. Thank you. The family courts are an antiquated system, and as an institution, they betray survivors everyday. This is a scary situation to be in but I am holding trust in having a legal defense, and the promise that I will not be left to fall. I will continue to pray for my heart and for an outcome that is in the best interest of my child and my capacity to provide them with a securely attached childhood. I will continue to pray for justice and a departure from white imperialist capitalist patriarchy, within our institutions as well as within our communities.