This morning I went to the first round of court ordered mediation against my abuser. Today I stood with my grandmother ancestors against the abuse and mistreatment of women, our life givers. Today I stood against Trump and misogyny and sexism and all of it. I am flooded with so many emotions at the moment that seem unmanageable, but I know that I will find my grounding with some more effort and prayer. The mediation was really awful. He came as the bully, demanding what he wanted and nothing less. Wouldn't mediate. Wouldn't negotiate. He is determined to take this case to trial so that a judge and the courts can decide our fates. He left me no option other than to submit to his demands. He won't consider what is a realistic parenting plan for me as a survivor of his abuse, or even acknowledge that there was abuse, and is still refusing to contribute to our financial well being. Still. Since fucking January. The mediator called it an hour before we were scheduled to end saying that she didn't feel like the process was going to be helpful for us. I offered him several different opportunities for parenting time as well as overnights according to Oregon's own guidelines, and he refused them. I feel the weight of all this really heavy because the personal is being reflected back by the political and I just feel like I'm gonna drown in it today. He told me once that he could treat me any way that he wanted and there was nothing I could do about it because we shared a child. With that I hear, "You are a woman, you are a mother, and you have no value. We can do what we want against your mind, body, and soul, and there is nothing you can do about it." And the political climate reinforces and validates that notion. Is part of what makes this whole experience a reality for me, and so many others. The weight of it all is so so heavy.
elmira