The fall tide this year was a circle back.
i dunno the how er the why, and thats just fine by me.
The Great Mystery keeps her secrets, fer our own good really.
Otherwise, all of our aversions and graspings would just get in the way of her work.
Fall Equinox Tide of 2016 I sat on a rock of the Twisp river and cried my heart out into the water. I watched Lorax hop on rocks and strategized on how, how, how we were gunna keep movin' towards a life of wildness and adventure. My heart was full to the brim, overflowing really, with all the confusion, betrayal, anger, fear, and disbelief that comes with a life on fire. Escape, escape, escape, was my mantra. Court orders and a life tethered to an abuser, exploiter, gaslighter, was my reality.
The books define the definition of trauma as a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury that one cannot escape.
Yup.
And it isn't time spreading salve on those wounds.
That's all me.
And prayer. And the ancestors. And the land.
Everyday, showing up fer the work of the day in the best possible way i can.
Fer myself and those whose hearts i hold in my hands.
Those hearts.
They are good to me.
And fer the Fall Equinox Tide of 2018, i sat on that same Twisp River watching lorax hop on those same rocks. And my heart was full, overflowing really, with luv n happy.
i napped in the sunshine, and carried a heart as light as air.
I laid next to a luv and let opened my heart to them too.
i cut the last cord there was to cut; my body and her fluid bond to him. woah.
i packed my car and knew fer sure, that i would be back.
And that upon return, there would be luv waiting fer me.
Mysteries.
And what could i say n what could i do, other than I Give Thanks and i Give Thanks.
On this Fall Tide, luv and happy was found in:
~watching The Knoll from my camp spot at coyote cottage
~singing to the sunrise
~thoughtless sits in the early morning sunshine
~lorax in the morning, telling me stories of their dreams
~painting the land in my blood
~twisp river at dusk
~lorax developing relationship to a land I luv and am rooting in
~welcoming my luv home
~the smell of tomatoes in the sunshine
~the magic tricks of my luv, inspiring the awe and wunder of my luv
~cuddles on the dawn, under the eyes of raven and pine
~roadkill and getting to eat well
~feeling cared for in a good way
~feeling afraid of luv, but choosing to luv anyhow
~plans of fall and winter on buttermilk creek
~having enough heart space to hold space fer my friends who need it
~wild ponies running at sunset; yakima nation territory
~owl, coming to me twice in the space of a week
~hawk hunting the field at sunset
~pink skies over golden grass
~roadkill fox, coyote, raccoon, owl, and deer
~a car full of dead thangs
~surprises found in my pockets
~coming home to a space that is all mine
~watching the sunset from my rocking chair while Justin Towns Earl sings to my heart; completely and gloriously alone, daydreaming in my own head
